January 12, 2011

Garritt and I got married on August 6, 2010.
Garritt and I found out we were pregnant on December 18, 2010.
Garritt and I found out we had miscarried our baby on January 12, 2011.

Garritt and I haven't been married 6 months yet and we have had to trust the Lord in our marriage in more ways then we would have ever thought. When we found out we were pregnant we were excited, scared, and ready for the new phase the Lord had presented to us. We immediately met with the midwife we had chosen to use and started looking for a new place to live. We began telling our family and a small group of friends. We wanted to keep it quiet for awhile. We began telling more people and finally we filmed our friend Ricky finding out and tweeted it so the rest of our friends could find out. We were flooded with notes of congratulations and love.

We tweeted our video on January 8... two days later I started feeling sick. I knew something was wrong. I talked to my midwife and she basically told me to get in bed and stay there. I knew something was wrong and I had a feeling about what was coming so I began preparing myself. At first I was scared to tell anyone because then I knew it would be real. I didn't even want to tell Garritt. I had a day and a half before the miscarriage to prepare myself as well as I could. Garritt and I prayed like we had throughout the short 7 week pregnancy. We knew God was going to do what He had already planned. We told people sooner than is expected because if something like this happened we wanted our family and friends to be able to grieve with us and not have a shock that we were pregnant and had miscarried.

The last week has been full of up and downs, especially the first two days. I started writing a lot. I would simply write what I was feeling at that very moment.I am going to share some of what I wrote because I want people to know what Garritt and I have been going through and have gone through. I want to share without having to actually speak about it...

The day after it happened I was tired. I was just tired and hurting. I couldn't even explain it. I had never really felt like I was pregnant. I remember telling my mom that I wanted a bump so I would actually believe it. But the moment I lost the baby I knew I was no longer pregnant. I was in the kitchen just staring at the fridge and I thought 'this is what grief feels like'. I have never really grieved before. A little over a year ago my grandfather went to Heaven. I didn't painfully grieve over his death. I was sad that I wouldn't see him again until I went to Heaven but I knew the life he had lived and I had the pleasure of knowing him. I have never really grieved before now I don't think. So, I went back to my bedroom and I wrote this, 'God planned for this to happen step by step and if I truly believe that His plan is perfect then I believe that this is perfect right now. Even in my grief and sadness, right now is exactly what it should be. God made me and he made my baby. He wanted my baby and he wanted me to stay right where I am. So, what do I do? I stop typing, watch Buffy, and praise God’s name for who He is and what He has planned for Garritt and me. And I cry. I weep for the baby I will not know until I reach Heaven. And I look to the future… whatever it is. I look to when God gifts me with a child on earth.'

The next day I downloaded the song 'Restoration' and listened to it... a lot. I listened to it while I wrote. This is what I wrote and this is what Garritt and I still feel:

(Garritt and I really thought we were having a boy so I refer to the baby as 'him')


'Right now I am watching Celebrity Rehab. I am thinking about my personal relationship with Christ and the fact that through this sad thing that happened to me I turned to Christ. The only reason I turned to Christ is because God allowed me to. I could have been angry and furious with God. But He took my weeping and turned it into praising. I know that what I have is never really mine. It is all a gift from God. God created everything and he is, in turn, in control of everything. If my faith is firmly planted in the blood of Christ then why would I not believe that He has taken my baby by His perfect plan? I believe in a God who is massive. I believe in a God who is just. I believe in a God who is beyond words. I trust that when I pray, God listens and answers my prayers. I prayed for this not to happen. I didn’t want to miscarry. But just because I ask something it doesn’t mean I will be given it. I don’t pretend to control my own life. My life is not even my own to live. I am to be a walking testimony to the God of the universe who created me. I will weep and I will grieve and I will turn it into someone God honoring. And I will place my feet firmly in line with God’s plan for my life, knowing that He redirects it when He wants to. God is good. He is good in this miscarriage. He is good my sadness. He was good when we found out we were pregnant and He was even better when we found out we had lost our baby.
Through my miscarriage we were able to collapse in the arms of a loving God who knows the pain of losing a child better than we ever will.
He willingly sent His son to the cross. I didn’t willingly give up my child but I will wholeheartedly believe in God’s sovereignty. I am learning to understand better than I ever have what it must have felt for God to send His son to earth for the sole purpose of dying. It gives me a better appreciation of what my sin cost. It wasn’t just that a man came to this earth to die for me… it was that a baby was born on the earth and meant to live a whole life just to die for me. A little baby Jesus. God watched all of this. This all just brings me closer to loving my Jesus for saving me. It is a perspective I haven’t ever had to look closely at before.'

This is a time of sadness and grief but is also a time of praise and thankfulness.
The baby we lost is now in the arms of the Lord. He knows Heaven now and he will never know the pains of this world and for that I am thankful.