Eaten By Cannibals

I have been reading a book of meditations by John Piper for awhile now. I have been taking long breaks between readings because I am trying to draw the book out for as long as possible. It is a short book and I am enjoying it so much I don't want it to end. My favorite place to read is at the gym. It makes my time on the treadmill faster and it is a new way I've found to bring worshiping into my workouts. The only problem I have is that my copy is filled with uneven lines from underlining while running. I am an obsessively neat person's worst book sharing nightmare.
The book is Life As A Vapor by John Piper. It contains "Thirty-One Meditations for Your Faith." It is incredible and I urge you to pick one up, be challenged by Piper, and be invigorated by the faith that exudes from him.
Today I was reading about "Thanksgiving of the Lives of Flawed Saints". I can only read one or two of the short excerpts at a time because I constantly have to re-read paragraphs and sentences due to the bouncing. Piper talks about how amazing the saints who came before us because they are flawed just like we are and the are utterly great just like we are not. At our very humblest we can see that we are not all great. Noticing that the saints that came before us are flawed we have hope that God may have a great purpose in place for us. How beautiful would that be? My greatest desire is for God to have a great calling for my life. The definition of great is an interesting thing though. I don't think the degree of greatness should be labeled by how many people know of your greatness but by how many people know of God's greatness.
John Piper quotes John G. Paton's biography when Paton is speaking of going to the South Seas in 1856 and a man told him he would be eaten by cannibals. Paton replies to this man, "Your own prospect is soon to be laid in the grave, there to be eaten by worms; I confess to you, that if I can but live and die serving and honoring the Lord Jesus, it will make no difference to me whether I am eaten by cannibals or worms; and in the Great Day my resurrection body will arise as fair as yours in the likeness of our risen Redeemer."
After this quote Piper says that, "This kind of abandon to the cause of Christ puts a fire in my bones."
I think that was so perfectly stated. At this point of reading, I had to stop and just think. I thought about the prospect of Christ and what He gave up for my soul and I wonder if I have the abandon to be eaten by cannibals. My prayer is that I would. My reality is that I would probably run. How do you get to the place where you are courageous enough to walk into a den of hungry humans, knowing you are their dinner?

My desire is to get to that place. If the alternative is that people will not know the loving God that I do...I will have to place my faith in Christ and learn to be courageous and live the way I took an oath to when I became a disciple of Christ.

I am sitting on the back porch of my house on this (some would say cold, I say chilly) night and I am reveling in the grace of my God and His providence over my life.
...And listening to Mumford&Sons... they're great.

The Joys of a New Home

After a change of two different plans, this is what my night is now consisting of...

Sitting by a fire,

Drinking a homemade iced latte (I realize how cold it is outside but I AM sitting by a fire...and I like iced lattes),

Watching Modern Family (Thanks Elise! I'm almost done with it already!),

And spending time with my sweet husby,

Changes aren't always bad. It's good to be reminded, even on days with small plans, that I am not in control of anything. When things do change, it might not always be welcomed, but God eventually changes things into even better things. Tonight, God wanted me to meditate on His glory and have some time to relax after a long weekend of moving and parties. God is good. That statement is always true.

Enjoy Him.

The Caudage

Garritt and I moved into our new house yesterday! It's great and we love it. We've only been here two nights but we LOVE LOVE it. Everything is ready and in place! Here are some pictures...

Our bedroom is an awkward shape to get a good picture... so, you'll just have to come by and see it!

That was The Caudage, hope to see you soon!

January 12, 2011

Garritt and I got married on August 6, 2010.
Garritt and I found out we were pregnant on December 18, 2010.
Garritt and I found out we had miscarried our baby on January 12, 2011.

Garritt and I haven't been married 6 months yet and we have had to trust the Lord in our marriage in more ways then we would have ever thought. When we found out we were pregnant we were excited, scared, and ready for the new phase the Lord had presented to us. We immediately met with the midwife we had chosen to use and started looking for a new place to live. We began telling our family and a small group of friends. We wanted to keep it quiet for awhile. We began telling more people and finally we filmed our friend Ricky finding out and tweeted it so the rest of our friends could find out. We were flooded with notes of congratulations and love.

We tweeted our video on January 8... two days later I started feeling sick. I knew something was wrong. I talked to my midwife and she basically told me to get in bed and stay there. I knew something was wrong and I had a feeling about what was coming so I began preparing myself. At first I was scared to tell anyone because then I knew it would be real. I didn't even want to tell Garritt. I had a day and a half before the miscarriage to prepare myself as well as I could. Garritt and I prayed like we had throughout the short 7 week pregnancy. We knew God was going to do what He had already planned. We told people sooner than is expected because if something like this happened we wanted our family and friends to be able to grieve with us and not have a shock that we were pregnant and had miscarried.

The last week has been full of up and downs, especially the first two days. I started writing a lot. I would simply write what I was feeling at that very moment.I am going to share some of what I wrote because I want people to know what Garritt and I have been going through and have gone through. I want to share without having to actually speak about it...

The day after it happened I was tired. I was just tired and hurting. I couldn't even explain it. I had never really felt like I was pregnant. I remember telling my mom that I wanted a bump so I would actually believe it. But the moment I lost the baby I knew I was no longer pregnant. I was in the kitchen just staring at the fridge and I thought 'this is what grief feels like'. I have never really grieved before. A little over a year ago my grandfather went to Heaven. I didn't painfully grieve over his death. I was sad that I wouldn't see him again until I went to Heaven but I knew the life he had lived and I had the pleasure of knowing him. I have never really grieved before now I don't think. So, I went back to my bedroom and I wrote this, 'God planned for this to happen step by step and if I truly believe that His plan is perfect then I believe that this is perfect right now. Even in my grief and sadness, right now is exactly what it should be. God made me and he made my baby. He wanted my baby and he wanted me to stay right where I am. So, what do I do? I stop typing, watch Buffy, and praise God’s name for who He is and what He has planned for Garritt and me. And I cry. I weep for the baby I will not know until I reach Heaven. And I look to the future… whatever it is. I look to when God gifts me with a child on earth.'

The next day I downloaded the song 'Restoration' and listened to it... a lot. I listened to it while I wrote. This is what I wrote and this is what Garritt and I still feel:

(Garritt and I really thought we were having a boy so I refer to the baby as 'him')


'Right now I am watching Celebrity Rehab. I am thinking about my personal relationship with Christ and the fact that through this sad thing that happened to me I turned to Christ. The only reason I turned to Christ is because God allowed me to. I could have been angry and furious with God. But He took my weeping and turned it into praising. I know that what I have is never really mine. It is all a gift from God. God created everything and he is, in turn, in control of everything. If my faith is firmly planted in the blood of Christ then why would I not believe that He has taken my baby by His perfect plan? I believe in a God who is massive. I believe in a God who is just. I believe in a God who is beyond words. I trust that when I pray, God listens and answers my prayers. I prayed for this not to happen. I didn’t want to miscarry. But just because I ask something it doesn’t mean I will be given it. I don’t pretend to control my own life. My life is not even my own to live. I am to be a walking testimony to the God of the universe who created me. I will weep and I will grieve and I will turn it into someone God honoring. And I will place my feet firmly in line with God’s plan for my life, knowing that He redirects it when He wants to. God is good. He is good in this miscarriage. He is good my sadness. He was good when we found out we were pregnant and He was even better when we found out we had lost our baby.
Through my miscarriage we were able to collapse in the arms of a loving God who knows the pain of losing a child better than we ever will.
He willingly sent His son to the cross. I didn’t willingly give up my child but I will wholeheartedly believe in God’s sovereignty. I am learning to understand better than I ever have what it must have felt for God to send His son to earth for the sole purpose of dying. It gives me a better appreciation of what my sin cost. It wasn’t just that a man came to this earth to die for me… it was that a baby was born on the earth and meant to live a whole life just to die for me. A little baby Jesus. God watched all of this. This all just brings me closer to loving my Jesus for saving me. It is a perspective I haven’t ever had to look closely at before.'

This is a time of sadness and grief but is also a time of praise and thankfulness.
The baby we lost is now in the arms of the Lord. He knows Heaven now and he will never know the pains of this world and for that I am thankful.

The Very First Blog

I've never blogged before but I thought it was about time to try it out.
What with being a new wife and all the life changes that are going on I
thought I could begin to share about it.
Let's see how it goes...